Knowing Me Better

This past week has been focused on phones.  Something that should be simple, but just isn't.  We have dumb phones and love it.  However, we were lured into a pricing that would allow us to have smart phones, so we decided to jump head first.  We even found great prices on the newest fruit phone on the market.  Well, the guy who doesn't know the plans he sells didn't give us all the information and a long story short after several phone calls to our provider, those phones went back.

AND IT WAS A RELIEF. 

It wasn't how I wanted to spend my time, enduring phone call after phone call, reviewing my account online, explaining it all to the hubs.  However, through it all, I learned something about myself, for that I am thankful.

I'm ok with a smart phone, just not one quiet so indulgent - which is how I felt having it.  It was just something I simply did not need (I hate using the word 'need' here because I only NEED Jesus.)  I actually had anxiety for having something like that in my possession.  I gladly returned the phones and everything returned to how it was before.  Somewhat...

In God's timely way, he sent a blog post about how many parents have their noses in their phones, ignoring their children.  I took the warning, for I know I could easily get sucked into it myself.  I mean there's the app to update and keep all my lists in order.  Yes, I could see myself easily doing that.

On another front, I'm counseling my girl on making straight A's an idol.  That we can't hold onto something so tightly, because God will not allow us to have idols.  In one way or another He will take it (whatever we are clinging to more than trusting Him) away from us.

All this tied into my heart to take warning and to not seek out the latest and greatest in the phone department.  That getting a phone the will text (and not shut itself off!), make phone calls is the major focus, not how great it connects to the internet.  Because I really don't want it to be that great, because I don't want to use it for that purpose.  I have other devices to do that.  I don't want to be that devoted to my phone.

Time of Deficiency

In studying Leviticus 25, God instructs on the Sabbatical years, along with the year a Jubilee. 

^" I will send you such a blessing in the sixth year that the land will yield enough for three years." Lev 25:21

God promises to give an abundance.  But what if what God calls abundant is not what we call abundant?  This passage describes what God means, you will still have leftovers when you get to harvest your crops three years later.

It's all on faith.  Will it really last?  What if mold or rodents invade the store houses?  What if what God calls abundant isn't what I call abundant?  Sadly, the Israelites never practice this concept (as far as we have recorded.)

Scripture states that God gives and takes away.  His purpose is for us to rely on Him.  A deep reliance that is above our physical needs.  So a time of deficiencies of physical supply could be an abundance of Spiritual supply.  A time to grow faith, trust and to experience the kindness of God's people. 

One thing is clear - God gives us what we need - either blessing or discipline.  As Jesus did many times in His ministry - He didn't always answer the question asked, but He went straight to the heart. 

"What if" is worry - and Jesus directs in Matthew 6:34  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

 

Finished

With a deep breath I can say I have finished - the paperwork still needs done and I have at least one more meeting, but the work on my part is finished.

I wrestled with putting off the final meeting.  It's Christmas break, I should be able to take off.  Yet, while I stood worshiping in church, I knew I had to try and get it in.  As soon as I got home I emailed, asking for a meeting, not giving a option out (I had originally planned to do this.)  I had to get home since I do not have one of the smart contraptions.

Six hours later I got a yes reply to the meeting.  They could have said no and I would have been fine, since it's in God's hands.  God instructed me to reach out, wait patiently and then finish what I started.

This doesn't mean I'm done:

• Gaining wisdom - I have so much to learn, but now I'm on my own schedule.  I get to choose (listening to Holy Spirit) what and when and pray for the dedication to get it done.
• Meeting with others - I will continue to finish the cases I'm on and see what God has in store for me.

I'm excited for the next phase.  Excited to look back and praise God for what He has brought me through since March 2012.  He has poured so much into me.  It took two years and four months to finish (taking summers off.)  I would encourage everyone to become a Biblical Counselor.  It could easily be done while working as it is done less than part time.  Classes were only one evening a week, very little homework, a lot of reading (this is what summers are for), and growth in ways you  never imagined.  There are training centers that have weekend get-aways classes, but I think it would be too much information crammed into a little bit of time.  I need the slow drip method!

Below is the beautiful card and loving words from my husbands upon completion.

Bloom Where You Are

I love the saying "Bloom right where you are planted."

I think this hardy fall mum screams the truth in this.  God has given us all we need to face any and all trials this world has.  Trust in that He has equipped you to bloom, thrive, right where you are.  It may not look like it on the outside, but faith, trust, love can grow within for the Lord.

We can live out what James wrote, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,"  If you read on, it is because we know through trials we gain godly wisdom and that is our faith in action to mature us.  We can love Christ all the more for what He endured on our behalf.


So yes we can and will bloom where we're planted for our God will do it as we pursue Him.

Back To School

Being Mama is one of my main ministries.  Today I sent my wee one (not so wee anymore) off to school.

I dealt with my mixed emotions over her return.  Part of me was thinking about my schedule and all the projects around the house I could accomplish.  Guilt came on me...in a subtle way that I didn't know what it was.  I'm looking forward to my girl going away from me large portions of the day...what kind of Mama am I?

I had to put the brakes on with those thought.  I knew then it was guilt.  I have nothing to be guilty about.  One: I did all I could to put a hold on projects so I had extra time with my girl over summer.  Two: I would miss her dearly.  We have thought and prayed about home school, but do not think it is right for us at this time.  Three: If she was with me all the time, those projects would still need to be done and I would have to do them (perhaps with her help.)  So the fact that I look forward to getting things done isn't a bad thing.

I rejoice that she's in an environment that is loving.  I trust the teachers at her school.  She goes to a nice country schools where the class size is still under 25 per class.  I make an effort to get my work done while she's at school so my evenings can be free.

So today I say no thank you to any additional mama guilt.  I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be.  I lose my temper, I become short when I'm focused on other things, I ask for forgiveness and work hard to keep our relationship strong.  I will only listen to real guilt that comes from God that spurs me to seek forgiveness.  He's the standard, not what my head decides.

Choosing Joy

What could get me down...

• my washer stopped working.  After trying the fix that was indicated it still doesn't work.  
• my left hip popped.  This is my good hip, but now if feels like I'm bruised severely.  After great progress in doing rehab for IT band syndrome and foot on my right side...just days before vacation.
• after stocking up on something for D to eat - it doesn't agree with his tummy. :(
• the days are dwindling of time I get to spend with K.  School is starting way to soon.

I could dwell on these things.  I could allow myself to be overcome with defeat.  Depression is grasping and clawing for me.

But I smile - for the suffering draws me near my Father.  I smile because Jesus said "in this world you WILL have trouble, But take heart! I have overcome the world (John 16:33.)"  I smile for I am one of His and I will have trouble.  But I take heart and set my sights beyond my current circumstances.  I set my eyes on Jesus who encountered more suffering and did not sin.  I can too with HIS strength.  

My strength would have faded long ago.  I would have welcomed bitterness, self-pity and disgust.  Yet with Jesus as my focus, my example, I have joy.  I have peace.  I look forward to how God will use each of these as part of His plan.  Each trial is an opportunity to sing joyful praise.  I have been deemed worthy to suffer (Acts 5:41.)

Pain

I'm struggling with high levels of physical pain - which is hard to focus on much else.  What little time I do have, I have to focus on what's most important - and this blog usually doesn't make it.

I've written about my foot sprain.  My IT band.  Perhaps not the chronic pain in my shoulder and arm that has been with me since my teens.  One week ago I sat in church trying to stay composed.  I have chronic tendonitis in my ride side - that is from my ear down - my neck/shoulder/arm/abs/back/hip/it band/foot.  I only have tightness in my calf - thankfully.  To top it off, I can't take anything but tylenol because it hurts my stomach so.  Muscle relaxers don't ease the burning from muscles/tendons (although they can help with sleep, they lower my blood pressure which is barely high enough to keep my going as it is - so I can't take more than one night at a time.)

And when the pain settles in like last week (making it hard to sleep), it's hard to not allow it to be your only focus.  It's hard to keep my eyes on God.  But where else would I turn?  He answered prayer and the week lead to new discoveries and determinations. 

• Specific exercise that may help the IT band issue, trapezius and foot.
• Encouragement to get a cortisone shot in at least my hip - this is a big decision for me since I resisted so long - but hope that that shot will give me time pain free to strengthen this area.
• I have to stop doing so much - working/playing through the pain.  I need rehab!
• I am free from over working myself - I don't have to keep up and push myself to pain.  I need to take the days of rest my body needs.
• It's important to ask for prayers.  It's important to keep bringing my pain to God - not just to remove it, but to help me learn from it.

God gave me this body and all things to be a steward of.  I'm not being a very good steward, but I'm making a plan to get there.  The weight I've gained with my foot issue has to be combated in the kitchen not in exercise.  I love God more.  My flesh may bulk, I may endure a new kind of discomfort, but in the end it is worth it.

"A steward is not supposed to manage things for his own pleasure, convenience or benefit.  Instead, he is expected to follow his master's instructions and look out for his master's interest, even if they conflict with his own personal desires or convenience (Jn 12:24-26.)" Ken Sande

Hebrews 12
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart...¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

My Tour Guide

The last time we went to DC, we had an opportunity to go on a DC Duck Tour.  Not only did we get to ride in a Duck - an amphibian vehicles from the early 1900s army issued, but the tour took us by all the great sites in downtown.  The tour guide knew everything about DC and about the Duck.  We stopped by several missed monuments that I hadn't known about.  He knew the ins and outs of downtown.

Most tour guides are like that.  They know the best places to go.  The best places to stay.  They know all the history the city holds.  They know what's going on and what plans the city has.

The Bible shows God is our Guide.  He guided Noah to build a boat.  He guided Abraham to go to a new land.  He guided Moses out of Egypt and Joshua into the Promise Land.  He guided to prophets to speak to the people.  He spoke to Mary and Joseph about His coming Son.

Jesus was raised in Nazareth.  A place that was despised.  A place that nothing good was would come.  Yet, despite those conditions, He grew.  He learned scripture.  He didn't allow that place to change who He is.  He grew into the perfect man there.  

God will lead us.  He knows our life better than we do.  He knows our thoughts.  He knows our true needs.  He knows our history.  He knows our future.  He can be trusted with our lives, our plans, our goals.  He knows the best places to go, to stay, to see.

Is God your Guide?  Do you listen for His instructions?  Do you obey immediately?  What needs to change in your heart so that He is your guide?  So that you do heed His Word?  That you trust His direction? 

Are you content with where you are planted?  Do I appreciate what God is doing right now?

Your 'Have To' Changes to Your 'Want To'

I worked with a youth pastor in the past that loved golf.  This man played golf almost daily.  All his expendable income went to golf.  His wife accepted this and loved to play along sometimes.  He also was devoted to watching pro golf.  This was before Tiger had all his personal troubles and was on the leader board for every tournament he entered. 

Then the news came they were expected their first baby.  They were both excited for this new addition God granted them.  Then the teasing started.  "Oh, you won't be able to go play golf once the baby come."  "No golf for you, babies cost a lot of money."  On and on it went.  He was really tired of hearing it, especially when she was in her last trimester.

It happened during this time I spoke with him and golf came up.  Me: you know this golf thing will change once your son is born. Him: I know, I know, I won't have money.  I've heard it all before.  Me: No, it's not that.  You won't want to play golf as much anymore.  You will want to be with him.

It had never occurred to him like that.  It became true on both accounts.  With his wife now home, the funds were down, but as well, he desired to get home and be with his family more and more.

It the transformation that happens in our heart as well.  We might know a little about God.  Perhaps we remember the 10 Commandments from our youth and was taught that God had rules and laws we needed to follow to be one of His children.  For me, this kept me from God's love for so many years.  I hadn't learned God is a forgiving God, a God full of grace to enable me to do what He asked.  I accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I wasn't in love with God.

Just as my friend loved his baby, he wasn't in love with him until he arrived and was this wonderful being he could interact with.  Interacting with God, getting to know Him through His word and time spent adoring all He does opens our heart to be in love with God.

Being in love with God changes our motivations.  We no longer see the rules and laws that weigh on us.  We see opportunities to show God we love Him by obeying what He has asked us to do.  We no longer see it as a hindrance to living life, but as a guideline to living the best life God has planned for us.  As Creator, He knows how we are to live to walk fully in His blessings.  

Being in love with God transforms all those have to's to want to's.

If your love for God isn't so great, ask Him to help you.  Ask for His grace to open your heart to Him and love Him.  He will do it, just ask.

A Heart Broken

I posted this on Camp in June.  Who knew it wouldn't be long before we would all understand why camp was cancelled.  What looked like something bad turned into a blessing.  It definitely hit me to trust God more, for He knows what we need - even to cancel an opportunity to minister to children.  For the morning that we would have left for camp, the leader's son went home to God. 

This is the letter I wrote.
My dear friends,
To say anything is so inadequate.  To do anything is so insufficient.  I know the Lord is protecting your heart from doubt.  Your ability to be others-focused through your loss is supernatural.  I'm reminded of Jesus when His dear cousin was beheaded.  He went to the mountainside for rest and mourn, but the people came.  They sought Him and He ministered to their needs.

I see that in you.  The salvation of other over dwelling on your loss.  The need to see God redeem, use your saddest moments for His great glory.  Your servant heart shines through.  May you continue to be a vessel for God to use and an example of what it means to love God all the days of your life.

Although I am insufficient, we love a God who is sufficient.  His mercies are new everyday.  His grace will see us through.  He is a God who redeems all of life.  None of our lives is wasted when we offer it to God.  May His wisdom that surpasses all understanding be granted to you.

A Time to prune

It’s that time of year again.  This year we’ve planted a larger garden (12 x 5 area, so not that big).  We have annuals coming up from seed.  I go out to prune, to thin the seedlings so that the others will grow into full plants.

My husband struggles with this process.  "Don't pull out, they will do it themselves."  I remember my first garden.  I know the package of seeds said to prune to four inches, but that was so many plants.  What if I made the wrong choice and the ones left behind died, my garden would be ruined.  And who was this name brand seed company, did they really know that I needed to prune?  So I pulled a few out, but left a lot.

And any seasoned gardener would know what happened next, my garden was a complete failure.  Nothing grew, there wasn’t room.

I think the same when God from time to time prunes something in my life.  I may miss it at first, but after a while, I realize I’m growing in other areas.  We need to be pruned.  I’m pruned and thinned to be more like Christ.  I can mature further without as much or none of what was removed.

The recent example in watching TV at night.  I had formed the habit that any night I was home after 7, I watched TV.  In itself it is ok, but we’re are home more in the summer.  We don’t need to sit for the last several hours of our day watching TV.  There’s books to read.  There’s a yard to enjoy.  There’s my girl’s imagination to see in action.  There’s general conversation to catch up when we didn’t have many evenings alone. 

So instead of reaching for the remote, I look at what is going on.  For my girl won’t always ask for TV on, but when it comes on it commands her attention.  Then I turn to what else I could do with this precious time that would honor God.  It is a change in my thoughts, my habits, but totally worth it. 

3 things...

I love about summer -
1.  My girl is with me everyday.  Love having a full time dose of her imagination which seems to be in overcharge this summer.

2.  Taking a daily walk in my garden to see what has changed.  I'm blessed to be able to see God working right here in my own little Paradise.

3.  My kitty's haircut.  Kabingo gets shaved several times over the summer months.  He enjoys the coolness of a fresh cut based on how much he runs all over the house.  The longer his hair the more he sleeps. 

Proverbs 10:1

This begins my summer walk through of Proverbs.  I'm not following any plans and I'm beginning in chapter 10.  I may go back to 1-9 if I have time at the end.

Proverbs 10:1
The proverbs of Solomon.  A wise son brings joy to his father, but  a foolish son grief to his mother.

I can observe the truth of this passage in my own family.  When someone is acting foolish - the grief my parents feel.  With seven siblings, there are ample supply for each to act foolishly.  some are foolish and can never seem to get life right, since they do not know the wisdom of God.  They pursue their own pleasure over real pleasure of God.  Others have gained some wisdom and bring comfort.  In times of turmoil, I am the one my mother usually calls for comfort.  Not that I am perfect, as I have written about that many times, but it is my firm stance in Christ that comforts her.  God has granted me wisdom to help her in her walk with Him, in that I am blessed.

He is My Portion

...your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  Matthew 6:32b

To start with here's a small seed in my heart for a desire to work overseas in missions. We are having some work done on our house. It has led me to review my attachment to this house - how much money we've invested to make it our home.  How much the market value is.

How would it work out to be on a long term mission? Of course I shelved that question for when God calls us. I couldn't deny my attachment to my home and how difficult selling this place would be emotionally. This is the 2nd time God has worked this in my heart this year. 

I can see I am like the Pharisees, who valued things/position over people, if I allow my attachment to my home to get in the way of reaching the lost. For reaching the lost causes rejoicing in Heaven. 

That was the first revelation.  Then the next day He asked through a lecture: Do you allow God to direct where you live?  What?  To allow God to direct my home, be it in Indiana or New Guinea? 

He showed me the ugly greed in my heart.  I was concerned about the money, the investment, the upkeep.  Would we get the money back?  Oh, how ugly greed is.  It's been there for a while, I just didn't recognize it.

I have repented. I have submitted. Lord, You gave it to me. I will follow Your leading on all I have - either for me to keep or to give away.  For what we put into this home is for us to enjoy now and perhaps when it is Your timing - will bless others.  Amen.

As a final thought, how easy it is to gloss over greed when I considering a minor thing like a flag.  Oh, how my heart changes when we speak of thousands of dollars.  I am so thankful this was revealed to me, as an answered prayer for God to reveal any corruption in my heart.  It is truly a blessing to let go of all things and be content with the portion God is.  Content, not attached.

Blessed Wait

via

I read a couple things about waiting.  The points made about the benefits of waiting really struck home.  The biggest thing about waiting is how I do it.  Is it with patience and understanding or impatience and frustration?

God moves in His own time and so does the rest of the world.  With our society saying get it now, it can be hard to wait with a great attitude.  I know I've done my fair share of waiting.  God has yet to disappoint me.  It has all been for my good.

If I take shortcuts to prematurely end waiting, it can be disastrous.  Imagine if Jesus took Satan up on his offer to give Him all the kingdoms of earth if Jesus would just bow down to him?  I shudder at the thought.

Some points on waiting:
Waiting causes anticipation, heighten pleasure.  A unopened present or letter on your birthday.  Your husband planning a special date and doesn't give you the details until your on it.  Just think of how children know something is going to happen and how much they look forward to it.

Waiting gives time for action.  We got over nine months to get ready for our daughters arrival.  Waiting to hear if I got a job gave me motivation to get things done so I wouldn't have it hanging over my head (I didn't get the job).  It's as simple as putting the dishes away or sweeping the kitchen floor while I wait for the water for my tea to heat up.

Waiting and planning brings appreciation.  Planning vacation, saving up the money to go, securing all the special places I'll visit along the way.  Last year I wanted a tablet.  I waited, planned, watched for sales, held a yard sale, saved a gift card.  When I finally found what I was looking for, it cost me very little out of my budget.

Waiting can be a protection.  God's timing is perfect.  If I trudge ahead in my own time, I may find myself over my head.  Kat waiting for me to walk her across the street or through a parking lot protects her from coming cars.

Waiting with a good attitude shows my maturity.  Patience comes with its buddy self control.  If I can wait with that good attitude, it shows my faith and trust in God.  I am thankful when God says 'No, this isn't My timing.'

Having a good attitude while waiting is a supernatural gift from God.  I resist my natural response to have what I want right now.  Life Principle:  I will not forfeit the promises God has for me with the compromise of pleasure today.  

Sorrow

In this room was more than my brother.  I struggle to deal with sorrow.  Sad movies and books.  I made great strides a few years ago when a couple things happened and it came down to trusting God for my good, despite circumstances.

However, this was a little different.  I still avoid sad things.  I wanted to read The Gathering Place by Corrie Ten Boom, but when the war started, I had to stop, I was getting depressed.  This is just one example of how I avoid sorrow.  I sometimes can handle sorrow in fiction, since I know it isn't real.  But Corrie's life was real and it breaks my heart for the sorrow in this world. 

It's different if I'm involved in someone's life, someone right here.  I don't avoid to protect myself, but I do live a somewhat protected life where real sorrow does not happen on a everyday basis. 

I read Titus 2:3-4

³ Bid the older women similarly to be reverent and devout in their deportment as becomes those engaged in sacred service, not slanderers or slaves to drink. They are to give good counsel and be teachers of what is right and noble, ⁴ So that they will wisely train the young women to be sane and sober of mind (temperate, disciplined) and to love their husbands and their children,

That little word temperate stuck out to me again.  God revealed I wasn't being temperate with my emotions.  He enables me to be me despite circumstances.  I was allowing circumstances to affect my emotions.  It's not easy.  It is ok to have emotions.  It is not OK to allow those emotions to keep me from following God's will for me.  I need to be temperate in my emotions.  If I must swing to one side of emotions, it should be to joy and exuberance, not sadness and depression.

And when this fully occurs in my life it will be God fully manifesting Himself in me.  It is not natural to me.  I'm prone to depression and sadness.  Yet going forward, what I want to counsel will be messier than suicide.  I will listen to women and children who have been through worse.  I will need to be able to cry with them and still point them to a God who wants their best.  A God who wants to take the evil they endured and redeem it.  

Just like God is redeeming the sorrow I endured.  The depression I went through.  The struggle I had to commit my life to Him.

In my daughters daily devo, it reminded me that I am to have a thankful heart always.  It reminded me of:
give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thes. 5:18

I am to give thanks in the good and bad times.  I am to be thankful for what Corrie went through so that I may learn and grow from it.  I am thankful for any opportunity that strengthens my faith and helps me all the more to rely on my God.  A thankful heart does not allow depression to overcome it.  Thankfulness is a sword to defeat it.

I plan to finish The Gathering Place. 

How I spent My Valentine

I hope everyone enjoyed Valentine's day.  My day was full.  It started with a job interview - I haven't been on one of those in years.  I'm still up in the air about taking the position, even if it's offered to me.  I know God will guide me.

Then I dropped off a gift to a precious little girl who has been through a lot this week, more than any little girl should go through.  I had a wonderful time with her mother and was able to encourage her as well.  God put this little girl in my heart a few years ago and she never left.  I'm glad I could bring her some joy this week.

That followed up with a wonderful party at Kat's school.  We made candy airplanes and played games.

Kat picked out a movie to watch for our evening.  Her choice?  A movie full of love and learning to love - Bolt.  Yes the Disney classic (or will be one day).  It's been a favorite ever since we braved the roads the day after Christmas many years ago to see it in the theater.

Bolt love Penny, will die to protect her.  He learns to love others and love who he really is.  Mittens has been abandon and abused, her heart is harden.  Her encounter with Bolt softens her heart to love again.  And Rhino is willing to leave everything he knows behind for the love and presence of his hero.  With classic line like "You shouldn't jump out of trucks doing 80 down the interstate." "Oh the irony."  "There's only enough room for one lunatic on this trip."  It cracks me up every time.

Oh, and did I mention that we have Kat a life size Bolt stuffed dog as a gift for Valentine's?

Doc the blessings

God has so many ways to say "I am here.  I love you.  I care for you. I am always with you."

My class started again.  I wondered what it would hold, resisting worry as it tried to creep into my mind.  I wouldn't allow any might be's to mess with me.

Anyway, back to the blessings.  The class was great, uplifting.  I found out that I have some of the homework already done.  Yea!  This part was weighing on me, wondering when/how I would devote the time to doing it. 

This and a few other events of the night left my heart open, looking forward to the road God placed me on.  I wanted to bottle up the joy and sip on it the rest of the year. 

God is so good!

Weight Loss Journey

To speak of my weight loss journey, I have to start at the beginning, the gaining of the weight.  I was a slim child and teen.  I was prone depression along with anxiety in my twenties.  I sought food for comfort.  I remember the day it happened, when I ate more than I needed, when I allowed that plate of hamburger helper sooth me. 

Unfortunately, food only soothes for a little while.  A major crisis in my life pushed me to seek help, which was good and bad.  After the crisis, I had really defined anxiety attacks, looking back I had anxiety attacks throughout my childhood.  After the crisis, I cried a lot, I just wanted to sleep.  Diagnose depressed, my dr. put me on an antidepressant.  It tempered my emotions so I could function.

At this point in the weight gain, I was about twenty five pounds overweight.  I adjusted many areas in my life now that I was able to sleep and get up and function.  Now food just wasn’t enough.  I began drinking alcohol.  Not alcoholic levels, yet any combined with the antidepressant I was on caused increase gain.  All through this time I took birth control as well, which I know caused gain.

I would exercise, yet that was followed by a extra large meal.  So I could exercise then eat four times the amount of calories I burned.  I also drank to much soda.  I had an ulcer, which the soda did not help.  It wouldn’t be until after K was born that I was diagnosed.  For me, when my stomach is upset, I want more food, not less, so that it’s always full.

The weight continued on.  I married my husband.  God bless him, he choose to marry me at near my highest weight.  After six months of marriage, we were expecting K.  I stopped the antidepressants at this time.

Just before her birth I weighed 229, twenty-five pregnancy weight.  Right after her birth, I dropped to 180, without really trying.  I attribute most of that to excess water (high blood pressure).  I now can see that the antidepressant combined with alcohol and birth control made me retain water, causing me to be puffy.

K first summer I walked a neighbor’s dog everyday. Just over a mile walk.  I went down to 170.  However, winter set in and I stopped walking the dog.  I went back to 175 for another year.  It was during this I gave my life to God.  I wanted to live for him.

I strived to loose weight through exercise since dieting just didn’t work.  However, I could never out exercise poor food choices.  I could never compensate for binges.  I felt called to get another twenty off.  I worked out hard.  I pursued weight loss for me.  How great I would look.  Like I posted before, I took what God called me to then added to it.

Since I wasn’t focusing on my sin – gluttony – God sidelined me.  I tore my hamstring.  I pushed through, damaging more.  I remember crying over how if I didn’t work out, I would put back on all the weight I loss.

My sweet husband just said to rest for my leg, but to eat less.

Eat less? Dieting never worked.  My blood sugars always messed up.  I HAD to eat the way I was eating.  Didn’t I?

It was during this time that I used online food journals to track what I ate.  I found the right combo to be satisfied and what level of calories I needed to consume for weight loss.  Since I wasn’t over exercising, my blood sugar didn’t mess up.  After three months, I was down to 153.

I wanted to go down further, yet summer was on and I wanted to enjoy the food and alcohol of summer.  Besides, I lost over twenty pounds and I was still the same size.  Over the next year, I kept my weight around 155.  I had learned better eating, although I still made poor choices and often turned to food for comfort.  I still struggled to exercise with a lame hamstring.   Yet not losing another pound, I lost two sizes as the skin caught up with my weight.

I am still around 148-153 weight.  I like my size.  I’m not the thinnest person, yet I’m not heavy either.  What I learned on the journey and beyond is seeking comfort from God, not food.  Recognize triggers I have to mindless eating.  How much better I feel without sugar.  How I no longer miss sweets, for the most part.

Now when I’m craving food, yet can’t figure out what, then I get down on my knees and pray, seeking God to reveal what I’m searching for.

Happy New Year!

I expect 2012 will be a year of Joy.  God has delivered me in the past few weeks to not focus on circumstance, to focus on Jesus.  In doing that, I have found joy.  Putting the smile of faith and the Joy will come. 

...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’  The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”  Mark 12:30-31

J-Jesus first

O-Other’s second

Y-Yourself next