It was a simple dinner with friends. The men watched football while the women sat around the table discussing up coming events in our lives. Dinner served, game over, conversations continued. It was pleasant. Then BAM.
Out of no where.
In the face.
With a nerf dart.
The mothers turn, ready to pounce on their son for doing such a thing.
All were shocked, me the most, that it wasn't a young foolish boy, but my husband. What had possessed him to do such a thing.
I tried to process and remain calm. I decided it was a great time to break for the bathroom. I calmed myself. I realized it wasn't so much about what he did - for he never had done something like that to me. It was what it brought back to mind from my childhood. This type of behavior and much worse happened to me at the hands of my brothers, cousins, step-fathers (yes, there an S at the end of that word) and basically any male in my life.
It was remembering that no one was taught how to treat others and especially no one taught the boys/men in my life how to treat a girl/woman. I recalled my prayer through much of my childhood, back when I thought God was about sending wants up and He filled them.
Send someone to love me - only me.
After I committed my life to God, I began to understand that Jesus answered that prayer long ago. But that didn't change my desire to find someone on earth to fill that request. The desire diminished, but after this incident I received clarity as I cried for that lost girl so many years ago, how lonely she was, how unconnected she was to any love that may have been present.
In that little prayer, I wanted my kingdom to grow. I wanted to assurance that I would be worshiped - for that was really what I desired. Someone to love me and to demonstrate it loudly in a specific way so that I would always know, feel it. Which, of course is not possible. Especially for someone who didn't know how to love in return!
Although this wasn't the forefront of my motives anymore, I had never repented of this. I can look at the years after committing to Jesus that I still tried to get my kingdom going. Oddly enough, no one jumped on board.
Thank you Jesus for this revelation into my past. Thank you for the ability to forgive my husband and laugh it off. Thank you for showing me that I need to lay my kingdom down.