My Kingdom Come

It was a simple dinner with friends.  The men watched football while the women sat around the table discussing up coming events in our lives.  Dinner served, game over, conversations continued.  It was pleasant.  Then BAM.

Out of no where.

I'm hit.

In the face.

With a nerf dart.

The mothers turn, ready to pounce on their son for doing such a thing.

All were shocked, me the most, that it wasn't a young foolish boy, but my husband.  What had possessed him to do such a thing.

I tried to process and remain calm.  I decided it was a great time to break for the bathroom.  I calmed myself.  I realized it wasn't so much about what he did - for he never had done something like that to me.  It was what it brought back to mind from my childhood.  This type of behavior and much worse happened to me at the hands of my brothers, cousins, step-fathers (yes, there an S at the end of that word) and basically any male in my life.

It was remembering that no one was taught how to treat others and especially no one taught the boys/men in my life how to treat a girl/woman.  I recalled my prayer through much of my childhood, back when I thought God was about sending wants up and He filled them.

Send someone to love me - only me.

After I committed my life to God, I began to understand that Jesus answered that prayer long ago.  But that didn't change my desire to find someone on earth to fill that request.  The desire diminished, but after this incident I received clarity as I cried for that lost girl so many years ago, how lonely she was, how unconnected she was to any love that may have been present.

In that little prayer, I wanted my kingdom to grow.  I wanted to assurance that I would be worshiped - for that was really what I desired.  Someone to love me and to demonstrate it loudly in a specific way so that I would always know, feel it.  Which, of course is not possible.  Especially for someone who didn't know how to love in return!

Although this wasn't the forefront of my motives anymore, I had never repented of this.   I can look at the years after committing to Jesus that I still tried to get my kingdom going.  Oddly enough, no one jumped on board.

Thank you Jesus for this revelation into my past.  Thank you for the ability to forgive my husband and laugh it off.  Thank you for showing me that I need to lay my kingdom down. 

Crazy Schedule

Happy Thanksgiving! 

I thought I had time to write, but as soon as I devoted a few hours to doing so my schedule blew up.  When I can, I will, but December looks a little crazy as of right now. 

Remember God's love,
Remember You've been here before and survived,
Remember He will give you a way out,
Remember for faith to grow you sometimes go through trials,
Remember you have a Sovereign God who already knows the ending,
Remember EVERY knee will bow and EVERY tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

Totally Off Day

It turned into one of those days.  It began with the dentist, giving into a craving for fast food.  Then exhaustion kicked in between the two. 

Then the thoughts began to creep in.  You haven't wrote your report.  You haven't prepared for you next session.  You haven't read your notes.  You haven't finished the living room.  Your husband is off working and what are you doing? 

You aren't going to finish when you wanted at the rate you are going.  Reliability is when you do what you say you will and to completion.  Have you really changed?  Aren't you just the same person you've always been and never wanted to be?

I had to call these thoughts what they were - stinkin' thinkin'.  I am wasting time allowing these thoughts to claim me.  I'm missing the time to praise God and have a grateful attitude for the changes that have happened. 

Do old habit show up (like poor eating) - yes.  Do I have to allow it dominate again?  No.  Instead of condemning myself as hopeless, I can turn my thoughts to the hope I have, call out the sufficient grace that is available to me.  Take hold and refuse to let go until I receive a blessing.

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."  Philippians 4:8 (wrote by memory - take that stinkin' thinkin'!)

Pain

I'm struggling with high levels of physical pain - which is hard to focus on much else.  What little time I do have, I have to focus on what's most important - and this blog usually doesn't make it.

I've written about my foot sprain.  My IT band.  Perhaps not the chronic pain in my shoulder and arm that has been with me since my teens.  One week ago I sat in church trying to stay composed.  I have chronic tendonitis in my ride side - that is from my ear down - my neck/shoulder/arm/abs/back/hip/it band/foot.  I only have tightness in my calf - thankfully.  To top it off, I can't take anything but tylenol because it hurts my stomach so.  Muscle relaxers don't ease the burning from muscles/tendons (although they can help with sleep, they lower my blood pressure which is barely high enough to keep my going as it is - so I can't take more than one night at a time.)

And when the pain settles in like last week (making it hard to sleep), it's hard to not allow it to be your only focus.  It's hard to keep my eyes on God.  But where else would I turn?  He answered prayer and the week lead to new discoveries and determinations. 

• Specific exercise that may help the IT band issue, trapezius and foot.
• Encouragement to get a cortisone shot in at least my hip - this is a big decision for me since I resisted so long - but hope that that shot will give me time pain free to strengthen this area.
• I have to stop doing so much - working/playing through the pain.  I need rehab!
• I am free from over working myself - I don't have to keep up and push myself to pain.  I need to take the days of rest my body needs.
• It's important to ask for prayers.  It's important to keep bringing my pain to God - not just to remove it, but to help me learn from it.

God gave me this body and all things to be a steward of.  I'm not being a very good steward, but I'm making a plan to get there.  The weight I've gained with my foot issue has to be combated in the kitchen not in exercise.  I love God more.  My flesh may bulk, I may endure a new kind of discomfort, but in the end it is worth it.

"A steward is not supposed to manage things for his own pleasure, convenience or benefit.  Instead, he is expected to follow his master's instructions and look out for his master's interest, even if they conflict with his own personal desires or convenience (Jn 12:24-26.)" Ken Sande

Hebrews 12
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart...¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Level Ground

I called it the boot of shame.  If you ever watched Up and remember the collar of shame, you get it.  A dog doesn't do anything particular to get the collar.  For whatever reason, I had several friends endure the boot in the past year.  I foolishly tried to amp up my exercise routine mid-December, only to have my foot tighten up.  Like if you walked up a ladder to get out of a pool and your foot tighten?

But this wasn't just a tight muscle, it was a strained ligament and fallen arch.  In the process of stretching my foot, I injured the nerve that runs to the big toe.  So after many doctor visits, x-rays, I endured the boot of shame for a month.  It is very hard to walk in.  My hips were aching more.  Uneven ground was my pitfall, gravel too hard to balance, ice and snow - no thank you.

I thought of Scripture to speaks to making the path level for Jesus: Isaiah 26:7, Isaiah 40, Matthew 3, Mark 1, Luke 3,   
God make the ground level for his righteous: Jeremiah 31:9.

In that boot I needed a level ground.  In my walk on earth level ground is 'easier.'  It may not be the road the world chooses, but I'm walking where the Spirit leads.  Just as God sent John the Baptist to make a path to Jesus level for those who believed, He is sending messengers to make level paths in my heart to draw nearer to Him and be in His will.  John B, as I like to call him, didn't have an easy life to the world standards.  He wasn't concerned with things of this world.  He wasn't successful in reaching everyone, but the ones he did reach were never to same. 

How do I go about making my heart level so God can do the most work?  The bumps are my self-willed desires to rule in the my kingdom.  The stubborn disobedience as I cling to the world.  The arrogant belief that I know how to fix me better than God can fix me.  I choose the time, the way and the method, even the end result (insert crazy laugh here cause it can't happen!)

Proverbs 4:20-27 speak the truth on how to do this:

²⁰ My son, pay attention to what I say;

    turn your ear to my words.

²¹ Do not let them out of your sight,

    keep them within your heart;

²² for they are life to those who find them

    and health to one’s whole body.

²³ Above all else, guard your heart,

    for everything you do flows from it.

²⁴ Keep your mouth free of perversity;

    keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

²⁵ Let your eyes look straight ahead;

    fix your gaze directly before you.

²⁶ Make level the paths for your feet

    and be steadfast in all your ways.

²⁷ Do not turn to the right or the left;

    keep your foot from evil.

Be aware of what God says, keep His word in my sight and heart for they bring health.  Guard my heart above all things.  Keep my speech pure.  Fix my eyes on Jesus.  Follow the level path God lays before me, trusting Him.  Keep taking each step to draw nearer to Him, avoiding turning to the left or right, which will take my eyes off Jesus and my feet from His path.   

I often ask where am I making the path uneven?  Where is God leading me through this maze of the world to get to Him?  Am I obeying?

Are you?

Not my call

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 1 Peter 4:10

 
I felt the need to step out of a ministry position I held for over a year, yet I felt to many were relying on me.  See, the leader I helped announced she was leaving her position.  That left a part time person to handle things until a new leader was in place.  I couldn't just leave her.  Our prior leader said I was one of the reasons she knew now was the time to leave for a new ministry because of all the key people she had the could run things until a new leader was in place. 

All that to say I felt the demands to leave the service, yet I didn't.  I learned a lot in the process.  I was in the tough part of my classes to be a counselor and starting to write my exam.  I had cut things down - including this blog - so I could devote my time to what God said to devote my time to.  Yet, with this position I didn't.

But I learned grace to help the one who isn't confident in making decisions.  It's not possible to overcommunicate during the times when things need to get done and very few workers. 

Rely on God to fill the gap.  He sent teens to help do  some office work.  He stretched supplies so that we had what we needed.  He worked creativity of those involved so make what should have been a disaster into beauty.  He grew a love within my heart in place of annoyance. 

Then I sprained my foot.  I knew I couldn't do the job with a hurt foot.  With everything prepared I knew I should leave the service - yet I didn't.  I continued along doing a little.  Then it came time where they needed someone to do the work I did so I went back, foolishly thinking I was healed enough.  But I hadn't.  This time, I had to leave the position and I was quickly replaced.

Found out the one who replaced me prayed 6 months for a ministry!  He was so very happy to have the opportunity to serve in this way.  Happier about it than I think I ever was doing the work.

It made me wonder why I held on so tight to the position.  All the times I wanted to give it up before I thought I was being selfish or...the list of lies goes on.  God used my clinging to sanctify me.  Perhaps He used it to help my replacement be willing to serve - I don't know the what ifs. 

So what service might you be holding to tightly to?  Has God asked you to move on and you've refused?  What service has God called you to that you have refused to obey?  We all have gifts, gifts meant for service.

Write Now

I missed my blog, my expression.  So much has happened since I stepped away in December.  Most of which was an opportunity for me to change my attitude and viewpoint.

I had the priveledge of wearing one of these for a month.

 Just before Christmas I sprained my foot - not ankle- foot.  All was well because Christmas is a slow going season with no need to walk anywhere - oh wait - No it isn't!  I'll write more on my life in the boot of shame.

My daughter took this photo - she's loving the photo apps.

As most people in the mid-west and across the US, I spent my time this winter trying to stay warm.  An injured foot means a lot of winter chores fell to my husband.  I snuggled near the fire most days.

I'm continuing to write my exam so lots of time in front of these.

And writing endless hours on this.

All those hours have paid off since I went from taking two weeks to answer a question last fall, to writing one within a day - and less editing - always good.  My creative writing has taken off again - I hope to do something with that.  Hopefully you'll see  a change in my writing here. 

As a diversion to writing and being stuck inside I created this painting for my daughter's bathroom.  A couple evenings on the couch had it done.  I did use stickers, but I'm not so sure that was the easy way to get the letters on.

I'm placing my blog a little higher on my priorities, even if it's slow going until I complete my exam.  Daily progress is what counts.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
Hebrews 12:1

Anniversary Weekend

How wonderful a weekend.  My husband and I celebrate our 10 year anniversary today.  We were able to get away to a B & B this weekend to the town in which we met.  It was great to return, to see what has changed in the 11 years it's been since we left. 

The B & B was wonderful.  A house built in 1886 the has the first indoor bathroom for the town.  I'm sad to say that I took my camera and didn't take one picture.  What I do know is we must do it again. 

My girl got to spend her first weekend at Grandma's.  That went well.  Up until this point, she hasn't spend for than one night away from us.  At church with Grandma, she was inspired to write a few things down - while she listened.  I'll post those excellent jewels when I get a chance to scan them in.

It was great to spend time with just the hubs, to connect and not have someone ask you to do something for them.  So thankful that God put this man in my life that we could go through time together.  It's been a blessing to grow towards God together.  To know that when the lie pops into my head that I won't endure to see something through - I have 10 years to prove I can.  I would marry him all over again!

Then Sunday morning he said those sweet words that cause me to go week in the knees, "Hey we could go through IKEA on our way to pick up our girl."

Um, yes please.  We picked out a wardrobe to go into our bedroom, however, the box is to long to find in our vehicle.  That is part of the reason I hadn't planned a trip over to buy anything.  I'm wanting a friend with a truck to go so I could tag along.  If not Grandma might be able to get it in her vehicle if all the seat are folded down.

And the best part, I'm starting a series on 1 Peter.  I'll walk through verse by verse and post what some of the verses spoke to me and how to apply the truth to our lives.

Happy Autumn!

My work space

I need of a dedicated work space.  A place where I can continuously plug my laptop in.  The battery only lasts about an hour, so it needs to be connected.  We have a desk with a desktop computer - I'm sitting at right now.  However, it is on the laptop that my fingers love to pour out words.  I'm also less prone to check email and such on the laptop - less likely to be distracted.  The desk is shared with D and K, not someplace in which I can leave my stacks of books and Bibles.

I'm getting ready to start the writing phase of the test to be a certified counselor.  The test is sixty essay questions with a minimum of one page of writing per question.

My space needs to be:

• a place where I can have my things all over
• the ability to close my books and leave in a neat stack that won't be pretty, but will be available
• to sit down and jump in where I left off
• a firm chair so my back doesn't suffer
• a good view that isn't so distracting

I chose this place.

It is the end of my kitchen table.  This isn't someone's "assigned" spot, for certain times of the year the sun is glaring into this seat.

It has a great view of outside. I love my little slice of Paradise.  I'm so blessed to live on a lake.  You can kinda see it at the bottom, below the bird feeders.

And the wall of my girl - pictures of her childhood.

I cleaned out the junk, moved over the paperwork and plugged in my laptop.  Now we'll see what my family says about this workspace - maybe I'll move into the cat's room, if I can find a gas mask to save me from the litterbox smells.

A Heart Broken

I posted this on Camp in June.  Who knew it wouldn't be long before we would all understand why camp was cancelled.  What looked like something bad turned into a blessing.  It definitely hit me to trust God more, for He knows what we need - even to cancel an opportunity to minister to children.  For the morning that we would have left for camp, the leader's son went home to God. 

This is the letter I wrote.
My dear friends,
To say anything is so inadequate.  To do anything is so insufficient.  I know the Lord is protecting your heart from doubt.  Your ability to be others-focused through your loss is supernatural.  I'm reminded of Jesus when His dear cousin was beheaded.  He went to the mountainside for rest and mourn, but the people came.  They sought Him and He ministered to their needs.

I see that in you.  The salvation of other over dwelling on your loss.  The need to see God redeem, use your saddest moments for His great glory.  Your servant heart shines through.  May you continue to be a vessel for God to use and an example of what it means to love God all the days of your life.

Although I am insufficient, we love a God who is sufficient.  His mercies are new everyday.  His grace will see us through.  He is a God who redeems all of life.  None of our lives is wasted when we offer it to God.  May His wisdom that surpasses all understanding be granted to you.

What a summer!

I had a post prepared for how God lead me to take a break for blogging - and it seems it never was posted.  We enjoyed the last days of summer and here is the first day of school.  I plan to devote the morning getting all the notes God breezed into me over the past few weeks down and slotted to bring life back to this blog. 

Praise God in the wonderful day - who knew I'd be a mother of a 3rd grader!

Summer Life

I'm here!  I've taken the time to write, just not post.  God has spoken to me on so many levels.  My girl is busy doing Lacrosse.  That meant getting up early everyday for the past two weeks.  Totally worth it.

The summer bible study is a huge success.  Ok, so I only have two under my belt, but I know God is doing major things if only allowing my patience to grow.  In all, it is just wonderful.  One of my past excuses for not doing it was that the children wouldn't be able to come during the day.  What a lie that was!  I had offered to pick up and drop of (limited to my car space), but that hasn't been an issue.  I can not praise God enough!

I'm also making great headway (that's a positive spin) on the reading I need to do for discipleship training.  I don't think of all I have to do.  I'm trusting God to work out all that needs done.  My family is awesome in allowing me to work.  And those hours while my girl was at camp afforded a lot of time to read.

Although we're busy, I've also made it priority to enjoy our summer.  We have so much to be thankful for.

Next weeks big agenda is cleaning the piles in my girls room.  I pray God will help her let go of some of her things.

Summer Fun

God has called me to lead a Bible Study in my home for my daughter and her friends.  My goal is to instill a thorough knowledge of love and what that will look like when acted out in daily life.

So 1 Corinthians 13 here we come.  It is a Treasure Island theme.  I'll have crafts to go along as well, which will include a palm tree with what love is written on the leaves and treasure boxes.  I'm also researching some nature skills that is appropriate for a 8 year old to know.  That means we'll skip the fire starters.  Initial skills is to identify some trees.  Perhaps some herbs.  And around my house we have a lot of examples of poison ivy and oak.  As a side not, I'm note allergic to poison ivy, but poison oak is the worst.

I'm really looking forward to breaking down scripture and interacting with the girls to see what it really means to leave that out.  I know I have a lot to learn right along with them.  I've felt this tug over the summer before to reach out, however I always allowed my selfish side to kick in and say summer is for me and my girl.  I know it will be a lot of work, but it will be so worth it! 

I'll post more when I get it all together. 

Journey to Jesus Part 2

I then had an opportunity to go to Anne Graham Lotz's Just Give Me Jesus conference the same day as the  study (mentioned Part 1) - God ordained!  I knew most of the material she would cover already because of my past leadership positions.  However, I had a friend who needed to hear and learn.  Of course I was looking  nuggets of gold for my walk.  I wasn't left out.  The first night she walked us through the last days of our Lord Jesus on the earth.  With Easter not long ago, it was all still fresh in my heart and her story made it come to life.

I loved how she talked about Mary clinging to Jesus after she realized it was He outside the tomb.  Perhaps digging her nails in, trying to keep Him close.

So I had these visions of one Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus and another Mary clinging to Him.  When the conference was over, I felt the most convicted during the prayer time.  I didn't do all the things the speaker suggested when I prayed.  I was certain that the missing piece was prayer.  I had been circling that for months.  I asked God to reveal to me how I could improve my prayer time.  I decided to set my phone alarm to go off at 1 p.m. each day I was available so I could stop and prayer.  It was my first step toward improving my prayer time.

That went well for the most part - forming a new habit isn't always easy.  I made strides.  Yet it seemed something was still off.  Then in a week or so I went to a Mandisa concert (birthday gift).   I can't remember specifically what was said.  What I did know was it wasn't prayer that was missing, for I prayed all the time.  I prayed waking up and through out the day.  I have more of a rolling dialog with God.  I didn't need a formal time to improve my prayer life.

So if not prayer, what?  Praise time.  Time, just as the Marys above, to be in the presence of the Holy One and thank Him for all the abundance in my life.  To turn off the TV, the radio (unless I want to sing), turn away from the computer and just praise my Great and Awesome God.  It a time for just me and Him.  Not really for prayer requests.  Not really for Bible study, although both can be part of it.  It is to unplug from the world and plug in to Him.  

Life Principle: In the quietness of my heart - learn to love Him on a whole new level, to reset my focus from distractions to His majesty.

Journey to Christ Part 1

It's been something hanging over my head.  Something is off, I just can't figure it out.  I knew there was more.  I really enjoyed doing an additional Bible study to really dig into Luke.  I was prayerful and waited for God to reveal Himself.  What needed to change.

And he replied, You must love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27

In writing out this verse for my study time, the Holy Spirit revealed that is a four fold process to love God.  I looked up each word. 

• heart - inner, essential part 
• soul - essential part, spiritual part of man 
• strength - power, vigor -- physical muscles
• mind - the intellect 

How was I doing in each of these areas and how could I improve overall - for to love God, for it is the first command to uphold - always.  I meditated on this often and I thought of God, for in my mind that is how I love Him.

There is need of only one or but a few things. Mary has chosen the good portion [that which is to her advantage], which shall not be taken away from her. Luke 10:42

Then there was the story of Mary and Martha in Luke in the same chapter.  I thought of a woman I had the privileged of knowing just a few years of her life. My husband's grandmother. This woman never owned a dryer and would drag her clean clothes out of her basement, across the yard, to the clothes line - all year long - until her last year of her life (87 yo).

She is what would be consider fanatical about Jesus. As I grow closer to Him, I appreciate her love of Jesus all the more. It was important to her that her grandchildren and their mates know and love Jesus. After she had a stroke and was on her last year - she spoke her mind - she spoke of how good Jesus was - no matter what the conversation was going on around her.  Her example reminds me of Mary - choosing the better portion. To be so in love with Jesus that when my mind is not my own, it is on Him.  I wondered when do I allow my circumstances to distract me from sitting at the feet of Jesus?  Even with that question in my mind, I didn't fully grasp what it meant. 

Why Measure?

As you may remember in this post, I discussed when I put my focus on my shape, not my health.  I changed up my workout because of pain in my hip and it occurred to me about that post and the outcome had I measured my body.

I would not have listened to my body when the pain came, because results are more important.  I would have placed guilt on myself when I would have to rest because the pain was so great.  I wouldn't have seen this as a minor setback and a new opportunity to learn more about the recovery road I'm on.  My head would still be messed up.  My focus wrong.

I still want to be further along in results before posting what I'm doing.  I am making progress.  I'm learning what the new normal is.  I'm happy to report that I can now kneel for short periods without stabbing pain in my knee. 

I'm happy to be focused on what God can do.  How He will teach me.  What He has for me.  How great my healing story will be once it is complete.  I praise Him now and will praise Him always. 

A Big Leap Forward

Today I took a big scary step forward in the world of technology.  I have joined the new century by doing texting on my phone.  Yes, I know, I was really behind the times on this point.  I had a lot of issues with accepting it - along with my husband.  We didn't like our niece being over and having her nose in her phone.  I know I won't carry on conversations on it.  If that's the case, I want to speak to you (of course unless you, me aren't somewhere where that can happen).  Dale's point was that the technology can suck you in that way - and you don't even realize it has.

I still like to talk with people.  I like the aspect of sending quick information, but in general I like to talk.  I really don't talk that much on the phone either.  Talking builds relationship.  Talking allows my tone to be conveyed.  Talking allows me to hear the laughter and sorrow in my friends voice.

The big push is to communicate better with those on staff with my church.  With the way the offices are set up, they are used to using texting to communicate with each other.  I help a few hours each week and many a time it has been expressed "Hey I just sent you a text."  Then I would have to explain that I don't get text - blah, blah, blah.  The staff member that I assist most had a hard couple weeks and it would have helped her to be able to send me a text vs. an email or phone call.  Well, there just wasn't time for a phone call in her schedule. 

So I'm entering this world so that I can serve better.  Now the question is... will I get spam, weird or inappropriate messages?  I suppose I will find out if people respect my wish not to get junk.  I don't need the latest joke or pinup girl photo (speaking of my brothers here, LOL).  We shall see.  Perhaps in a month I'll be posting how it was a total fail and we're withdrawing from this phase of the social world until at least Kat gets her own phone. 

Which that goes to another debate and post - when is it right to get your child a phone?  I just know not today.

Soldier Up

³ Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. ⁴ No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer. 2 Timothy 2:3-4
I never been a soldier in the armed forces.  I know several who have and pray for those who are serving now.  When this verse came up in my daily devo, I had to pause and do further study.  I also needed to write.

Endure hardship like a good soldier.  A soldier is focused on their job.  They know their life and the lives of their fellow soldiers depend on it.  Their thoughts are consumed with what they need to do for their commanding officer.  Being a soldier isn’t always their first choice of service in life.  They usually have dreams and desires they gave up to be the soldier.  Or have plans when the service is done.

Being called into service for my commanding officer, Jesus, is a never ending post.  Towards the beginning of December last year, I struggled a lot with the things I needed to do to fulfill the duties of a soldier and the things I wanted to do as a civilian.  Fortunately, the soldier duties won out most of the time. 

As I struggled and prayed.  I knew full well my civilian desires were very selfish.  I had asked to be submerged in God’s word, yet bulked the idea when it interfered in my planned down time.  I did what I needed to do, however my attitude wasn’t the best at times.  I was a soldier getting involved in civilian affairs.  In another version it says ‘gets entangled’.  This gave me a vision of stepping in thick mud, heavy snow or a spider’s web.  It makes the going rough. 

It helped me to grasp and cling to God’s view.  I wanted my way, not God’s way.  I humbled myself to give up what I wanted/planned.  I had developed an ideal of how I thought things should go – a healthy body to go on missions trips.  A ease in counseling training so that I could counsel women.  An opportunity to read the books I wanted to read.  A time to watch movies and work on projects I deemed important.  A clean and organized home. 

Ok, that last one does fall into what God has planned, yet not in a way that it becomes a idol or a time in which I make it a higher priority to the people God has called me to love.

I need to free my feet of entanglements to fully step into being the soldier He has called me to be; to bring Him glory and to please Him.  Fortunately, He doesn’t treat me roughly, but will help me give up me and fight in Him.

Opposition: Experience

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴ Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Trials proves faith.  In my suffering I am able to experience spiritual fruit to a new level.  Had I not known depression, could I experience a overflowing joy as I do?  Had I not felt despair in which there appeared no hope, could I have the peace from the hope I now cling to?

So then, because I knew the depths of horrors of this world, I can know the immeasurable greatness of God. 

Doubt creeps in

I shared my victory and now I'll share my doubt.  It was hard to write about during the two weeks doubt pressed on my heart.  Dread came as well, because I thought about last year and how I got into a funk that lasted several months and included me going on a sugar binge.  

What happened?  Not really important.  Now that I look back, it was little incidents that magnified in my mind.  I already shared a few issues I took care of like projects that need finished or put away for later.  My lessons were on tough subjects that condemnation pressed in.  

Through it all, I repeated God's ways, His words, I countered every lie in my head with His truth and asked for Him to show me.  

That He did.  I made my lessons about me.  I made the projects about me.  I made a lot of things about me.  To be honest, when things are about me, I'm not nearly as dedicated or motivated to stick with it.  I've let myself down so many times that it's expected to fall short.  

As I cried out for direction, I put going to bed early for search of God's message.  It wasn't about me.  Thankfully, when it's about others I'm motivated.  When it's for God, I can't be stopped.  Why?  Because He is behind it.  It took a couple days for my emotions to catch up with my head.  During those days, God managed my time, helped me to focus.  I was able to do what I thought would take twice as long.  I ticked along in awe of the God I serve.  

God is so good.