Asking Forgiveness

Today I had to ask forgiveness.  I knew it was the right thing to do as I approached the gal I had offended, my heart nearly thumped out of my chest. 

My words were not gentle - the Bible clearly says to speak gently, especially when trying to restore a brother (in this case sister) to the Lord.  I hadn't organized my thoughts (meaning write them down) and they all came rushing out.  Rushed speech from me usually sounds harsh.

Seeking forgiveness is a quick way to change, at least for me.  I don't enjoy the process, the convictions, the waiting to go to the person. I am thankful for it - as it indicates God is working within me.

I used to ignore the need to ask forgiveness.  I would be extra kind to the person to "make up" for how I treated them in the past.  I might apologize - which only points to how sorry I am for knowing I was trespassing on the other, but did it anyway.  It isn't repenting, in hopes to not sin in that way again. 

Points of forgiveness:

• Ask forgiveness - from the other person and from God.
• Admit guilt of sin and state sin.
• Put yourself at the mercy of the other person - a humble position.
• Seek to restore the relationship - with others and God.

Once forgiveness is granted, don't allow guilt to hang on - there is no condemnation in Christ.  Lingering guilt dishonors God.  If the other person evokes guilt to try to manipulate you - they are in the wrong - both that their forgiveness wasn't genuine and they are attempting to make you to use works for their self serving desires. 

Seeking forgiveness doesn't mean there's no acts to do.  It doesn't mean the consequences of my sin is absolved.  Some sins have lifelong consequences that just don't go away.  But in all - God will redeem.

Which Way Is Right?

I missed my turn.  I was driving to Bible Study and after a month of driving to this location I missed my turn.  I suppose I was lost in thought.  Ok, I would just turn at the next street.  Then I arrived at the street in which I normally turn, but now I would do so much back tracking, surely it would be better to continue down this street - it is bound to arrive in the same place.  Yet, I was in a subdivision from the 70/80.  You know the ones without a straight road to be found.  I was curving and turning, but I got to the other side.  Sitting at the stop sign on County Line Rd. I had a choice to go left or right.  I couldn't see any landmarks to help my decision.  My internal sense said to turn left.  So I took a deep breath and turned right.  In a quarter mile I was on the road I needed (and had to back track the same amount if I had taken the turn earlier.)

It made me think that so many times in my life I think I'm making the right decision.  My sinful nature that died when I accepted Christ still has lingering habits of sin.  That "natural" tendency is opposite of the supernatural Christ in me. 

My choices can often be self serving and for my kingdom.  Sometimes when my heart resists something - I purposely do it for I know it is the right thing to do. 

Times I've been aware of this:

Desire to not do the dishes - allowing the lazy person in me to put it off.
Desire to hang onto our money and not give the offering - trusting money rather than God's provision.
Desire to stay home - allowing self focused time trump fellowship with others.
Desire to eat that sugar laden treat, which will cause headaches, sugar surge and further cravings in addition to bloating.
Desire to take the easy way - when God has a lot to teach in the journey.

So to purposely choose what I know is right, but is against my flesh is hard.  I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

May I allow God's grace to help me.

He is My Portion

...your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  Matthew 6:32b

To start with here's a small seed in my heart for a desire to work overseas in missions. We are having some work done on our house. It has led me to review my attachment to this house - how much money we've invested to make it our home.  How much the market value is.

How would it work out to be on a long term mission? Of course I shelved that question for when God calls us. I couldn't deny my attachment to my home and how difficult selling this place would be emotionally. This is the 2nd time God has worked this in my heart this year. 

I can see I am like the Pharisees, who valued things/position over people, if I allow my attachment to my home to get in the way of reaching the lost. For reaching the lost causes rejoicing in Heaven. 

That was the first revelation.  Then the next day He asked through a lecture: Do you allow God to direct where you live?  What?  To allow God to direct my home, be it in Indiana or New Guinea? 

He showed me the ugly greed in my heart.  I was concerned about the money, the investment, the upkeep.  Would we get the money back?  Oh, how ugly greed is.  It's been there for a while, I just didn't recognize it.

I have repented. I have submitted. Lord, You gave it to me. I will follow Your leading on all I have - either for me to keep or to give away.  For what we put into this home is for us to enjoy now and perhaps when it is Your timing - will bless others.  Amen.

As a final thought, how easy it is to gloss over greed when I considering a minor thing like a flag.  Oh, how my heart changes when we speak of thousands of dollars.  I am so thankful this was revealed to me, as an answered prayer for God to reveal any corruption in my heart.  It is truly a blessing to let go of all things and be content with the portion God is.  Content, not attached.

The Perfect life

If your goal in life is to have that perfect life, it will always be elusive.  The happily ever after.  By the world standard of a great marriage, two perfect children who become successful adults and produce a lot of grandchildren for you to love. 

If perfection is your goal, every little mishap will impede on that goal.  Every infliction of suffering will put another crack in the perfect life of your dreams.  It's elusive, yet you press on.  The bitterness of unforgiveness settles deep into your bones.  

Give up perfection.  Jesus accepted things as they were, meeting people right here.  He didn't examine points in the past where mistakes were made.  He addressed the now.  He directed future steps "sin no more".

Look at your expectation.  Are they real?  I find for me that my expectations for me are harsh compared to what I seek from others.  Let go of expectations.  I'm coming to see how it causes me to try to do God's work and I can't.  Failure is imminent.  

Let Me Fix Him

Time Warp Wife post when I try to remake my husband.  If, as a wife, I turn my desire to have the perfect man into expectation that he conforms to what I want, I become discontented and separated from him and God.  I try to do God's job.

It is my duty to examine my desires and if they stand up under God's word, then pray that God will align Dale's desires to mine.  The He show me how I must behave in order to honor and submit to Dale, yet help him see that my desire is something he should have as well.  God has done this on many points in our marriage over the years.  

A Holy Spirit job to change him, that's for sure! We had a situation a few weekends ago. I gently relayed my position.  I heard and disagreed with his concerns.  We did not have an argument.  He had concerns and I shared them, yet did not see it as a hindrance to doing what I perceived was the right thing to do.  I prayed for God to move his heart to act. I knew this was out of hubby's comfort zone. I could have demanded he go, but it would not have affected his heart.

He obediently followed God's leading and went with me, not sure how "happy" he was with it. God did not disappoint. Dale was able to give encouragement to a friend's father that we've befriended at church. The father is young in his walk with God, so it was important for him to see his church family come along side his family (not just us).

So it comes down to this: Am I trusting my husband to God?  Or am I trying to be God?  Am I thankful for the work being done or complaining over what still needs done?

One more thing.  When I have become discontented with my husband, with what he is or isn't doing, I find each time I go to God about it that it's me that is wrong.  It is me who has the wrong expectation, me who is being touchy, me who needs to change.  It's humbling and I'm thankful for it. 

Restore

Brethren, If any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to and controlled by the Spirit] should set him right and restore and reinstate him, without any sense of superiority and with all gentleness, keeping an active eye on yourself, lest you should be tempted also.  Galatians 6:1

I have studied this verse several time recently.  Most of that study encompassed how as a Christian, we are called to help other Christians be restored to the Father through repentance.  Also how this is something most Christians avoid or make fodder for their own sin- gossip.

It wasn’t until God began revealing the aspect of pride I’m entangled in did the last part of this verse make sense to me.  At first I thought I would be in danger of sinning in the same manner as the one I’m trying to set right and restore. 

In the Amplified translation, it helps to see what sin we’re tempted by – superiority – how I am so above you, I can judge you.  Also, if a person is restored to God, I am tempted to steal the glory from God for their repentance, as if I have the power to cause someone to repent.

If I am to help a fellow Christian restore their relationship to God, I must:

• Examine my own heart – do I need restored in the same manner?  It is easy to see my sin in others.
• Be convicted that I am the tool the Holy Spirit wants to use.  Realizing I am a tool means I am humble to God – submissive to His will – motivated out of love for Him and for those He loves.  This attitude guards against the pride of superiority.
• Come along side of them to be the tool.  Be thankful that I am used in this way.  I encourage and help them feed on God’s word, sticking by until a change takes place.
• Allow God to do the work in His time.  I can’t force it, get frustrated over something I can see is so simple.  That again is my pride kicking in and leaking over to superiority.

Going forth in counseling, I will have to cling to this verse to encourage and convict me, lest I should be tempted.

The Big What If..

The big what if that hangs over any wife.  What if he didn't come home today?  What if God calls him home today?  No more morning wake-up kisses.  No more hugs.  No more phone calls.  No more special emails.  No more, no more. 

This post was spurred by The Time Warped Wife post.  She had a guest post from Nicole.  Nicole did go through just that.  The post was an attitude adjustment for me.  I love my husband.  I don't usually grumble in my heart about him (and never would I to other people).  Yet, I am a flawed sinner.  I have hormones.  Some times I do grumble.  Sometimes I do "FEEEEELLLL" offended.  Sometimes I do wish he would just read my mind and know just what I want him to do....LOL.

As a Christ follower, I am taught to do more than what is asked - if you are asked to walk a mile - walk two.  Matthew 5:41.  This means I am to do more than expected and WITH a good attitude.  I am to give, to love.  And why is it sometimes so hard to give that love to the one you love the most?

Then I followed the little link over to Nicole's blog.  That post is a must read as well.  What a blessing she is.  God has gifted her with the right thinking in the aftermath of her husband departure.  I just love how she put to words that those God calls home can not possible see us if they are to have no more tears.  And the thankfulness in her heart that he can't see what is going on.  She is an inspiration.  Her thankfulness is a real life example of a humble heart that trusts God. 

Yes, Nicole's words came from God to me.  It has changed me.  Thank you amazing Father!

As a side note, I do not dwell on this or any what if - for it is worry, which is a sin.  When this or any what if jumps into my head, I give it to God and declare I trust Him and know His provision will see me through everything. 

Pride: Touchy Feelings

A couple things happened that caused my feelings to be hurt.  Some was a gentle reproach from a friend, some was me stepping out of my comfort zone, not communicating well and the consequences of stepping out.

It was these instances that an opportunity for growth happened.  I was led to read about love in 1 Corinthians 13 in the Amplified Bible. 

It  is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly.  Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it take no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 1 Cor 13:5 (underline added)

Oh my, this verse cut down to what I was doing.  I was allowing my perceived rights, my fleshly sinful desires, my pride to prohibit me from loving.  The verse converged Love and pride in my heart.  I knew I could love better, now I could see that my pride got in the way!

My touchy feelings were a response of my pride.  I was looking for me to be safe and protected.  I wanted to be right.  I wanted to disregard what others thought, even though part of stepping out of my comfort was to see what other thought.

This line of thinking would lead me to be rude as I carried out my own preferences.  For me to stop seeking  others input.  For others, because of my response, would withhold edifying responses. 

I have God’s love in me.  Thank you Lord for showing another aspect of my pride.  Please continue to humble me in Your love.

Soldier Up

³ Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. ⁴ No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer. 2 Timothy 2:3-4
I never been a soldier in the armed forces.  I know several who have and pray for those who are serving now.  When this verse came up in my daily devo, I had to pause and do further study.  I also needed to write.

Endure hardship like a good soldier.  A soldier is focused on their job.  They know their life and the lives of their fellow soldiers depend on it.  Their thoughts are consumed with what they need to do for their commanding officer.  Being a soldier isn’t always their first choice of service in life.  They usually have dreams and desires they gave up to be the soldier.  Or have plans when the service is done.

Being called into service for my commanding officer, Jesus, is a never ending post.  Towards the beginning of December last year, I struggled a lot with the things I needed to do to fulfill the duties of a soldier and the things I wanted to do as a civilian.  Fortunately, the soldier duties won out most of the time. 

As I struggled and prayed.  I knew full well my civilian desires were very selfish.  I had asked to be submerged in God’s word, yet bulked the idea when it interfered in my planned down time.  I did what I needed to do, however my attitude wasn’t the best at times.  I was a soldier getting involved in civilian affairs.  In another version it says ‘gets entangled’.  This gave me a vision of stepping in thick mud, heavy snow or a spider’s web.  It makes the going rough. 

It helped me to grasp and cling to God’s view.  I wanted my way, not God’s way.  I humbled myself to give up what I wanted/planned.  I had developed an ideal of how I thought things should go – a healthy body to go on missions trips.  A ease in counseling training so that I could counsel women.  An opportunity to read the books I wanted to read.  A time to watch movies and work on projects I deemed important.  A clean and organized home. 

Ok, that last one does fall into what God has planned, yet not in a way that it becomes a idol or a time in which I make it a higher priority to the people God has called me to love.

I need to free my feet of entanglements to fully step into being the soldier He has called me to be; to bring Him glory and to please Him.  Fortunately, He doesn’t treat me roughly, but will help me give up me and fight in Him.

Another Note on Feelings

My previous post could have sounded a bit like I was above my feelings.  I am on some points, however, I am still female, full of hormones, still human, subject to physical conditions (like lack of sleep or pain).   

Feelings can sneak in.  They can grow so gradually that you don’t know they’re are there until one day you bark a innocent bystander into a corner to give you your way.

I’m learning that to walk closer with God, I need to be in tune with the Holy Spirit – which takes practice and Bible study (pray for this if you don’t have it and then be willing to start).  The Holy Spirit is there to convict me when my feelings get out of hand and cause me to sin.  Remember, it isn’t the feelings that are wrong – it is the sin that often accompanies the sin.

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah  Psalm 4:4

When a feeling is overwhelming and just not going away or it pops into my head and I know it’s wrong (such as feeling slighted), I take it to God.  I search His word for the correct thoughts and what He says about how I feel.  The sermon on the mount usually humbles me into right thinking.  I keep at it until joy returns to me.  Feelings are just another thing to humble me, keeps me on my knees to seek my God.  For that, I am thankful.  

My Big Flaw Part 2

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.  Galatians 6:1

To elaborate more on the last post, I struggled over being the reason someone was withdrawing from a part of God in her life (not sure the extent).  I cried and mourned for her.  Satan used it to spur doubt over my current calling.  My God has revealed much over the past week.

1.  My comments - unknowingly- were just the straw on the camel's back - it wasn't the sole reason (why flatter myself).  That this sweet lady has other issues He is working in her.

2.  That in my new ministry I may say the wrong thing.  I will undoubtedly fail at some point.  I need to trust Him through the whole process.  I fail when I don't make Him the center.  Trust God for the change in me that He has planned.  Trust for the work He has me to do.

3.  Trust that although the work will be personal, I need His perspective on things.  As God is working on a heart, that heart may rebel and I may be the one who take the second most brunt of it (for God always receives the bigger offense).  I am called to be slow to be offended, quick to forgive and focus on the issue.  Not dwell on the past or what should have been, but to in love get to work with how things are right now.

4.  To know when I fail, I can be the Christ like example.  To be humble, ask for forgiveness and seek to restore the relationship.

My Big Flaw Part 1

1 Thes 5:23

My brashness is obvious.  I lack that gentle demeanor that listens, understands, that is gently, humbly, conveys God's desire - Biblical advise to other.

I've spoken without tact.  I've been blunt.  I've been mistaken by the assumptions I've made and declared myself right, not allowing any correction to come my way.

And for one called to be a Biblical Counselor, these are major road blocks.  Big flashing signs that say stop, turn back, quit, you were mistaken in your calling.  You are not equipped and it's impossible for you to change.  You've tried before only to fall back into speaking without thinking, barreling ahead to get your way, dismissing everything else just to be able to file away the issue.

Fortunately God is teaching me to be what He sees me as.  Humble, a hearer (not just a listener), gentle and understanding.  These things are me, God has given these things to me.

Why the guilt?

I had to write about my crazy day yesterday.  I did well with eating.  I'm still 95% meat free.  It's hard to go completely vegetarian when your family meal has meat in it.  I usually pick out the big chunks.  I'm just not that devoted to the idea to be all loopy about it.  

So back to yesterday and the undo guilt I felt.  I wanted some dark chocolate.  Now, I used to not like dark chocolate and since giving up sweets I love it.  Its not that I need chocolate, however it is something delicious God gave and I want to enjoy.  I usually eat less than 1/3 of a serving which is an under 100 calorie treat.  I don't eat it everyday either.  Yesterday I did.  There wasn't any guilt at this point.

Then for dinner, I wanted a glass of wine.  There's something about Italian and wine that go together.  When I have wine I fill half my glass with ice and water and top with wine, so I really only drink about 2 oz. per glass. 

That's when guilt started to creep in and I hadn't even poured the drink.  Then I thought about the chocolate and the few Sun Chips I had as a snack.  I said to myself, this is crazy.  Why should I feel guilty over the foods I've eaten?  What's wrong with a glass of wine?

I didn't drink the wine and still wondered why the guilt?  Why was my conscience against it?  

As we prepared for bed God breezed the answer.  It isn't wrong.  None of it was wrong.  However, I asked Him to help me stay on track.  I asked Him to help me reach my goals.  Then I questioned what was going on when He answers that prayer, when He sends me that grace I requested.  Crazy right?  

How often have I done that?  Have I asked God to do something then stubbornly refuse the help and then blame Him for how I feel?  I'm successfully humbled and thank God for giving grace on this as well.  God is Good!

Patience

Patience is one of those fruits of the spirit we all long for, yet don’t pray for because we don’t want to endure the disciple that goes with the training.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.  Hebrews 12:11

This is one of my favorite verses, so applicable to life.

What harvest comes developing patience?  In my life, many things.  For one, I am humble.  I don’t lose patience when dealing with others and jump to frustration or anger over how I’m being treated.  I accept that no matter how they behave, I am secure in who I am in Jesus.  I deserve worse than what I’m enduring, yet whatever happens it isn’t important in light of eternity.  Read and meditate on the Sermon on the Mount and see if your attitude isn’t changed.

Patience enables me to persevere.  I read the comments on the For Better or For Worse Dec. 4, 2011 comic.  I loved how she said her mother had endless patience so that she completed and got done what needed done.  How would my life change, what could I learn if I kept going and didn’t give up?  All those things I wish I could do could be a reality if I started the process with the intention to have the patience to see it through.

As you can see, patience is one of those foundational fruit of the spirit upon which others can grow.  In patience I can show kindness, gentleness (I’m not in a hurry to get it done), love, faithfulness, and goodness.  And through patience I get to joy, peace and self-control. 

I am able to encourage other by my patience.  I set an example for my daughter to follow.  I am tempered.

My Thorn

**I wrote this last summer when I first thought of blogging and didn't.  It's still a great post and it explains more my post here.**

A thorn in my side is overeating, or gluttony.  God has given me victory over this sin, although from time to time I pick up all the laws I enforced on myself with it and struggled when I go my way, not God’s.  Thankfully, He forgives and welcomes me back after He disciples me and reveals to me what I’m doing.

I recently was asked to join a study group that focuses on our thought towards food.  I did one on my own several years ago and that is when God delivered me.  At first I didn’t want to do this study, then I thought perhaps a review would help and maybe there’s something at the end that will help me, because what I’ve read for the beginning is things I’ve already worked through.  I hoped for more, but wasn’t certain that I’d get it.

Of course that isn’t a reason to not be obedient, since once I say I got it, then I don’t because I will always need God to delivery me from this on a moment by moment basis (this wrote after eating one to many no-bake cookies). 

At the meeting, God brought back to mind what I had stored away and I was able to share with the group.  Now I can see He wants me to write this out so I can read this.  For the long intro, this is my reminders...

Be alert for my own tendency to make food or me an idol.  Make me an idol you ask.  Yes, when I focus on me and how I will look and compliment I hope to get and what clothes I might get to wear...I’m making me an idol.  Food as an idol is constant thought of my next meal...what I will have, where I’ll eat and a tendency to overeat.

I’ve read or heard the parable of the rich man about ten times over the past month (Matthew 19:16-22).  I am to seek God, follow Jesus, more than I am to want anything or hold onto anything in this world.  I am to look around me and be willing to give it all up if God should call me to do so.  My only goal on this earth is to follow Jesus and live like He did.

“...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5.  When thoughts about food or my body enter my head...I am to turn them over to God.  It’s a prompt to pray.

I struggled over a month with the following passage from the sermon on the mount.

Matthew 5:38-42  “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.  Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”  It just isn’t easy to think this way, but in doing so means I’m poor in the spirit (therefore the kingdom of Heaven is mine Matthew 5:3).  It’s hard not to feel I have rights, but really I don’t, not on this world.  I have God promises which are real, on earth, nothing lasts.  Remember to give without expecting back.  Remember to share even if it means “mine” will be damaged.  Remember I don’t deserve to eat what I want because of the day I had.  It’s a pleasure to do the work before me that my Lord has laid out.  This of course does not mean I can’t relax and enjoy the abundant life the Lord has given me, it’s just having the righteous, humble attitude knowing I am just dust.

And the last bullet points:

At any point I put my plans in front of God’s plan for me, I FAIL.

At any point I say I got this God, I FAIL.