Answered Prayer

It was an underlying story line in a recent TV movie.  It was like three sentences in the whole movie.  It was not the main point by far.  Yet, when I'm listening for God to speak, I'm listening to everything.  God has directed me through many people, many words that, in context, would not apply.  However, listen, God speaks.

For me it spoke of tight hips, um yes, that is part of my physical problem.  The movie alluded to a solution (again, minor fraction for the movie), but didn't come right out to say it.  I knew from my extensive exercise knowledge what it meant.  I prayed about it and found my library had a DVD.  I asked God if this was from Him... I didn't get back any negatives, so I proceeded to check out the DVD, trusting it wouldn't take long for me to figure it out.

I watched the DVD through.  Not bad.  It struck me that the instructor used these perfectly tall, beautiful dancers to execute the moves.  She (the instructor) on the other hand was an apple shape. Then the question arises in my heart?  Do I want to do an exercise program that the instructor looks like that?  I continue to watch the video.  In an interview with the instructor, they show her demonstrating some of the moves.  She is strong.  Overall, I thought I could do the workout, not because it looked easy, but it was slow and focused on building core muscle.


Then the past me kicked in: measure so I can KNOW how much I lose.  Monitor it, I have to if I want this great testimony, right?  Again, I wondered about the woman's body.  Then it hit me, my focus was on the wrong thing, again.  So thankful that God has patience with me!  Measurements are linked to vanity for me.  I wanted numbers to show that I improved.  I couldn't just rely on how I felt and the way my clothing fit, could I?

Yes, I changed my focus.  My body shape and size left.  If I can be as strong as the instructor was at 80, yes that's right, 80, then I don't care how I'm shaped, how much I weigh.  I want to the strength.  I know that strength has many great purposes for serving God.

For now, that's all I'll share.  I'll save my journey of doing the program for later, when I have a better testimony.  It's a major break through to get my mind aligned with God about my body.

The Perfect life

If your goal in life is to have that perfect life, it will always be elusive.  The happily ever after.  By the world standard of a great marriage, two perfect children who become successful adults and produce a lot of grandchildren for you to love. 

If perfection is your goal, every little mishap will impede on that goal.  Every infliction of suffering will put another crack in the perfect life of your dreams.  It's elusive, yet you press on.  The bitterness of unforgiveness settles deep into your bones.  

Give up perfection.  Jesus accepted things as they were, meeting people right here.  He didn't examine points in the past where mistakes were made.  He addressed the now.  He directed future steps "sin no more".

Look at your expectation.  Are they real?  I find for me that my expectations for me are harsh compared to what I seek from others.  Let go of expectations.  I'm coming to see how it causes me to try to do God's work and I can't.  Failure is imminent.  

Let Me Fix Him

Time Warp Wife post when I try to remake my husband.  If, as a wife, I turn my desire to have the perfect man into expectation that he conforms to what I want, I become discontented and separated from him and God.  I try to do God's job.

It is my duty to examine my desires and if they stand up under God's word, then pray that God will align Dale's desires to mine.  The He show me how I must behave in order to honor and submit to Dale, yet help him see that my desire is something he should have as well.  God has done this on many points in our marriage over the years.  

A Holy Spirit job to change him, that's for sure! We had a situation a few weekends ago. I gently relayed my position.  I heard and disagreed with his concerns.  We did not have an argument.  He had concerns and I shared them, yet did not see it as a hindrance to doing what I perceived was the right thing to do.  I prayed for God to move his heart to act. I knew this was out of hubby's comfort zone. I could have demanded he go, but it would not have affected his heart.

He obediently followed God's leading and went with me, not sure how "happy" he was with it. God did not disappoint. Dale was able to give encouragement to a friend's father that we've befriended at church. The father is young in his walk with God, so it was important for him to see his church family come along side his family (not just us).

So it comes down to this: Am I trusting my husband to God?  Or am I trying to be God?  Am I thankful for the work being done or complaining over what still needs done?

One more thing.  When I have become discontented with my husband, with what he is or isn't doing, I find each time I go to God about it that it's me that is wrong.  It is me who has the wrong expectation, me who is being touchy, me who needs to change.  It's humbling and I'm thankful for it. 

Sorrow

In this room was more than my brother.  I struggle to deal with sorrow.  Sad movies and books.  I made great strides a few years ago when a couple things happened and it came down to trusting God for my good, despite circumstances.

However, this was a little different.  I still avoid sad things.  I wanted to read The Gathering Place by Corrie Ten Boom, but when the war started, I had to stop, I was getting depressed.  This is just one example of how I avoid sorrow.  I sometimes can handle sorrow in fiction, since I know it isn't real.  But Corrie's life was real and it breaks my heart for the sorrow in this world. 

It's different if I'm involved in someone's life, someone right here.  I don't avoid to protect myself, but I do live a somewhat protected life where real sorrow does not happen on a everyday basis. 

I read Titus 2:3-4

³ Bid the older women similarly to be reverent and devout in their deportment as becomes those engaged in sacred service, not slanderers or slaves to drink. They are to give good counsel and be teachers of what is right and noble, ⁴ So that they will wisely train the young women to be sane and sober of mind (temperate, disciplined) and to love their husbands and their children,

That little word temperate stuck out to me again.  God revealed I wasn't being temperate with my emotions.  He enables me to be me despite circumstances.  I was allowing circumstances to affect my emotions.  It's not easy.  It is ok to have emotions.  It is not OK to allow those emotions to keep me from following God's will for me.  I need to be temperate in my emotions.  If I must swing to one side of emotions, it should be to joy and exuberance, not sadness and depression.

And when this fully occurs in my life it will be God fully manifesting Himself in me.  It is not natural to me.  I'm prone to depression and sadness.  Yet going forward, what I want to counsel will be messier than suicide.  I will listen to women and children who have been through worse.  I will need to be able to cry with them and still point them to a God who wants their best.  A God who wants to take the evil they endured and redeem it.  

Just like God is redeeming the sorrow I endured.  The depression I went through.  The struggle I had to commit my life to Him.

In my daughters daily devo, it reminded me that I am to have a thankful heart always.  It reminded me of:
give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thes. 5:18

I am to give thanks in the good and bad times.  I am to be thankful for what Corrie went through so that I may learn and grow from it.  I am thankful for any opportunity that strengthens my faith and helps me all the more to rely on my God.  A thankful heart does not allow depression to overcome it.  Thankfulness is a sword to defeat it.

I plan to finish The Gathering Place. 

Time to Clean

It seemed relentlessly being thrown in my face in my classes.  The first week I let it roll off.  The second week was a little heavier.  The third week I cried quietly.  I held myself to my chair, refusing to leave the class, wishing the instructor would move on.  Even now, it's hard to write about.  Remember my post here?  Yes, it didn't leave that day.  Each time I went to class it gripped me more.

I kinda worked it out with God the first few weeks, yet I was worse the next week.  I couldn't believe how much they were speaking about suicide.  Yes, that is what my brother did.  He gave up.  He thought it was the only way out.  It hurt.  I know it's part of counseling because it is part of human life.  In week three (having a different instructor each week), we finished early and I took the time to speak to the instructor - he was a counselor right? 

It helped a little, but at this point I can't remember anything he said the might have impacted me.  The debate in me:  was this from God that I need to address something or Satan trying to get me to quit.  A little of both.  In the car on the way home that night, I spoke out loud my determination that I was not going to give up.  Counseling was a messy thing and I was willing to get messy.  It didn't matter how much something tormented me, I could endure it because I am doing what God had directed me.  If I must listen to lectures that speak solely of suicide, so be it.  The instructor week 3 spoke of it because it was part of his past week.  Someone he had counseled a few times ended his life. 

I am determined.  I will face this.  I will not allow it to hold me back.  I will take anyone seriously when they say they have contemplated suicide.  I know my brother did.  He said if  __________ ever happens again I will kill myself.  And he did.

The opened the door that had been closed a long time.  I invited God in.  I said that I am willing to do what I have to do to get to where You want me.  I want Your way.  I don't need to protect this space anymore. 

Dreaming...

I had a couple dreams that stuck out to me over the past month.  The first was I discovered a room in my house that was between my bedroom and my daughter's.  The room was large and it smelled like musty dog and smoke - the smell of our house had when we moved in that took a lot of cleaning and paint to cover.  It was a large bedroom with a window.  A large walk in closet on the right full of clothing, shoes and purses.  The bed was covered with a red and brown blanket.  There was another doorway to the right the lead to the bathroom.  I didn't make it all the way back to the bathroom, I stopped by the shelf that held books and stacks of money.  When I picked up the money I could really smell the horrible smell.  I went back to the closet and found beautiful things and wondered how I could get the smell out.  Why hadn't we known about this room?  We've lived in our house a long time...then I woke up.

About a week later I had another dream.  My husband and I were at this great building - I think some sort of stadium.  We knew a secret way to get to the other side.  There were other people who needed to go there.  We tried to show them the way, but I couldn't figure out how to open the secret door that lead the way.  I tried every little twist and spot, but it wouldn't open.  The people who I was trying to help weren't interested in paying attention to what I was saying.  They were paying attention to other things.

When I meditated on the details of this dream, I first thought maybe they were secrets that I had - the secret of God.  I had planned to write all about it, but hadn't had time.  Good thing to, since this week the spirit breezed what it was - particularly the horrible smell.

It's about me.  I have in my heart this dirty room.  It smells old, musty and yucky.  In it are things that this world finds attractive, but to God they stink.  It is all rubbish.  In the second dream, there's a door all this stuff in my heart, but I wasn't allowing God to go in.  I wasn't allowing me to go.  At each step in my sanctification, I'm learning more about submission.  It's amazing how I can go many years then be shown how my thinking has been in error. 

My next post will be on what specific point God is working in me.  If I am to move forward with counseling training, I will have to allow God to clean this room up.  It's a room that has been closed a long time.  A room full of hurt and sorrow.  God is good and He is gentle. 

A Big Leap Forward

Today I took a big scary step forward in the world of technology.  I have joined the new century by doing texting on my phone.  Yes, I know, I was really behind the times on this point.  I had a lot of issues with accepting it - along with my husband.  We didn't like our niece being over and having her nose in her phone.  I know I won't carry on conversations on it.  If that's the case, I want to speak to you (of course unless you, me aren't somewhere where that can happen).  Dale's point was that the technology can suck you in that way - and you don't even realize it has.

I still like to talk with people.  I like the aspect of sending quick information, but in general I like to talk.  I really don't talk that much on the phone either.  Talking builds relationship.  Talking allows my tone to be conveyed.  Talking allows me to hear the laughter and sorrow in my friends voice.

The big push is to communicate better with those on staff with my church.  With the way the offices are set up, they are used to using texting to communicate with each other.  I help a few hours each week and many a time it has been expressed "Hey I just sent you a text."  Then I would have to explain that I don't get text - blah, blah, blah.  The staff member that I assist most had a hard couple weeks and it would have helped her to be able to send me a text vs. an email or phone call.  Well, there just wasn't time for a phone call in her schedule. 

So I'm entering this world so that I can serve better.  Now the question is... will I get spam, weird or inappropriate messages?  I suppose I will find out if people respect my wish not to get junk.  I don't need the latest joke or pinup girl photo (speaking of my brothers here, LOL).  We shall see.  Perhaps in a month I'll be posting how it was a total fail and we're withdrawing from this phase of the social world until at least Kat gets her own phone. 

Which that goes to another debate and post - when is it right to get your child a phone?  I just know not today.